Five big life lessons I learned over four weeks:

 

Four weeks ago today and a visit to the doctors ended up with a trip in an ambulance to the Royal Hospital. Reason? 

Potential heart attack.

It started three days earlier in Heathrow Airport at 7:15am. After a few busy days and an early start I was looking forward to catching up with friends at an annual retreat when I began to feel a tight pain in my chest, dull heavy ache in my left arm and needing to take occasional deep breaths. 

No fun.

I got some water and Aspirin from Boots and sat myself down in the airport thinking; This is gonna kick off! I might be having one!!

The pain didn’t get any worse than a 3/10 but I just didn’t feel right. I made a decision, (right or wrong) that if it gets to 5/10 I’m calling 999.

Over the next few hours the pain would come and go but never went above 3/10. I was in good company and I gave the lads a heads up that I was feeling a ‘bit fragile’. Wednesday and Thursday was much the same and feeling tired. 

Now back home, on Friday morning I went to the doctors. They wired me up to the ECG. They were not happy. Something didn’t look right on the ECG.

I wasn’t expecting to end up in an ambulance but off I went. 

Thankfully the reports were all good. Blood pressure, 3 blood tests, lungs x-ray etc. clean as a whistle.  At 5 pm I was sent home. What did they see at the doc’s? No idea; possibly a faulty reading on the ECG or maybe an answer to prayer enroute to hospital. 

So what was it / is it??

Inconclusive, possibly viral and/or a little bit of exhaustion/ stress related. (I think both). I didn’t go home healthy. I was still getting the pains in my chest, arm and tiredness.. until yesterday my first pain free day. I have still a few heart tests lined up at hospital but I now feel I’m finally on the mend. 

So the last 4 weeks i’ve had to take my foot of the gas, rest, listen to my body and make some lifestyle changes. I haven’t been off ‘sick’ I’ve just prioritised my world and I am deeply thankful for the Crown Jesus team, my family and close friends who have been a tremendous support.

Yesterdays was the first day I have had no chest pain. This morning a went for a gentle jog. My first exercise in 4 weeks. I haven’t posted about it on social media etc. I wasn’t going to either but then this morning I sensed in my spirit that it was important to share with others the lessons I have learned and the context of those lessons.

 5 lessons 

1, I was believing the lies everyone else says about me: ‘I am a machine.'

I have a reputation of going 110miles an hour, spinning lots of plates and pushing myself to the max.

Over time I started to believe the lies everyone else says about me; even my doctor. ‘You’re a machine’ heart rate 38 bpm at rest, run marathons with 8 weeks training, long cycles with little or no training, staying up to midnight, up at 6am doesn’t eat until 3pm most days but drinks 4 coffee’s. Out 4 night’s per week doing ministry and only taking 1/2 day per week. 

It’s sheer madness. I’m forever telling, even preaching to others to rest but I think I don’t need it. I was a hypocrite! I’ve been believing the lie and thinking:  ‘i’m not like others.’ I’ve got this.’ True: I do have a fierce capacity to work at another level. But I’m not a machine. 

When you are in Heathrow Airport and you think you might be having a heart attack… you suddenly realise. I’m human. 

Oh the frailty of life!

2, I have an unhealthy work ethic. 

No one forces it on me, I don’t do it to get approval from others. It’s not bad theology, it’s not bad leadership models or things I have inherited from parents. Its not that I think Crown Jesus needs me etc. It just me… I need to change my thinking on this. 

Here is an example:

Some years ago I heard Dr Dave Smith give a lecture on ‘The life of George Whitfield.’ It was brilliant! Dave’s last slide said this ‘George Whitfiled died at age of 56 having worn himself out in the Lord’s service!’ Everyone in the room was saying ‘wow! I don’t want to die at 56 worn out’… everyone except me! I was thinking ‘awesome! What a way to go!!’ You see what I mean? Unhealthy work ethic. Iv’e got to simple switch off more, including social media.  

3, My quiet times became a to-do list. 

I enjoy reading, praying, studying, reflecting and these encompass what may quiet time looks like; or at least should. However the last 18 months unhealthy habits have creeped in. As a result my 6am became a to-do list:

Finish the book

Prep for the sermon 

Plan, plan, plan.

Over 18 months my quiet time had been 1 or 2 degree of course and over a long period of time I am off course.  I was still praying but distracted by lists.

I now need to recalibrate by quiet times.

Over the last few weeks God has been teaching me about Sabbath prayer. ‘Be still…Rest…Shalom.’ (you can read more on Sabbath prayer in Roger Foster’s brilliant book simply called ‘Prayer.’ P98)

4, My diet and exercise has been shot to pieces. 

Three year ago I was at the gym regularly, cycling twice per week, jogging weekly and in the mountains once per month. This year: I cancelled my gym membership (too expensive) I’ve cycled maybe 10 times. I’m still ‘fit’ in comparison to others but it’s not just the physical it’s also the mental benefits. I need to look after the three of me: body, mind and spirit. I need to get that back. 

5, Embrace suffering.

‘The fact of suffering undoubtedly constitutes the single greatest  challenge to the Christian faith and it has been in every generation’ John Stott. 

Why God puts us through stuff is complex but there can be no doubt for me that the greatest lessons I have learned in life have not been in the mountain tops but in the valleys. God seems to use suffering to break our legs and make us lie down in green pastures. For that I am deeply thankful. I’m learning to embrace suffering. It has a purpose. 

Action plan for me: 

Rework my diary. I will now be off every Friday (if you are reading this help me out by protecting my Fridays). 

Eat breakfast.

Say NO more. If I say no please don’t be offended.

Get to bed earlier a few nights per week.

Sabbath prayer every morning.

One coffee per day, the rest decaf.

Accessibility: One of my biggest problems for me is being too accessible. e-mail, text, What’s App, Facebook Messenger, Insta Messages, Twitter private messages the list goes on. There will now be fixed periods in my day when I access these and times I will be off the radar.  If you want any ministry related stuff it MUST go via the Crown Jesus office. I won’t be saying yes on a text etc. Louise is my P.A. she picks up all e-mails and manages my world.

Exercise five days per week, cut back on the junk food and drink more water. 

Finally: find a little bit more time for me. I’m gonna learn to be a little bit selfish without feeling guilty. 


Hope this little blog helps some others. 

Please look after yourself.